We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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