My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
