JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
