Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
