I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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