I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
