Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize