just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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