So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
