My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There r osticjed everywhere
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
