Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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