I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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