when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
