I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
