Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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