Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize