if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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