I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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