I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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