We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need a beard to bite.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
