rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
