I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
