He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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