Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
