i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
