Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
