just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
