Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
