dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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