I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He felt like a one man threesome
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
