i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
