my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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