I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i think i just lost a toe
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize