That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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