I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
