Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
pray to the hookup gods
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
