A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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