I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
