I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize