So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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