cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Found the puke drawer
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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