smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
