i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
