I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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