True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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