I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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