she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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