I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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