Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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