Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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