You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
