I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
