You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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