so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
