Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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