ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
