I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
