I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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