You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
