Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
