He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
